Before Senegal, I wasn’t someone who kept up with a continuous
blog. I didn’t feel like my daily life experiences would be that interesting to
an outsider. I still feel that way with most of the blogs I take a random
glance at here and there. I started this blog as a way to stay close with my
family and friends while I was living in Senegal – I didn’t know how therapeutic
it would turn out to be for me during those two years. I have always kept a personal
diary but there’s something about posting your thoughts in a public forum that
is alluring. I hadn’t intended on keeping up with this blog much post-Senegal.
I have written one post since I came home and hadn’t really felt much need for
a follow-up. Tonight I felt the need.
My coming home has been a whirlwind. There have been the
usual readjustments that any returned Peace Corps volunteer faces such as food
issues, supermarket breakdowns (there are SO many options here), and an overall
feeling of gluttony (almost disgust) for all that we have here. Then, for me,
there have been some deeper readjustments around family, friends, getting used
to being in an office 40+ hours a week (yeah, I got a job), anxiety around
making purchases (ANY purchase, literally), and even dating (everything’s
online nowadays – it’s weird and makes me uncomfortable and slightly ashamed of
my generation).
I have been home for over 5 months now and it still feels
like I’m in a cloud some days. I have supportive people in my life but I don’t
feel like I have really been given the proper venue to truly share my Peace
Corps experience. Until tonight. I volunteered as a Big Sister with Big
Brothers Big Sisters for… 6 years or so. I was matched with a wonderful young
woman and became very close to her and her family. They had me over for dinner
tonight because they wanted to hear about my Peace Corps experience. They
wanted to see pictures and I mean a lot of pictures. I tend to get a little
embarrassed if I’m showing people pictures from Senegal and try to stop before
I’ve even really began – they were not having that. They wanted to hear
Senegalese music. They wanted to relish in my achievements and listen
sympathetically to my challenges. Not many other people (there have certainly
been some who have) in the 5 months that I’ve been home, have given that kind
of attention to what Peace Corps meant to me.
I’m expected by many to just slide right back into life
here. I probably put on the façade myself by getting a car, accepting a job
right away, jumping into dating, and seamlessly falling into my life as it was
before. But I’m not as I was before. And sometimes I don’t know what I’m ever
going to be. I still don’t know what my career path should be. I still don’t know
where I belong. I feel like, at the age of 25, I’m redefining myself and my
path in life. Peace Corps had been my goal for so many years and now that I’ve
completed it – I need to build up my list once again or I need to just be okay
with not knowing.
When I used to write these posts I would often think about
the reason behind them. What am I trying to get across, what is my end goal?
With this post, I think I simply needed to write. I needed to share that I’m
still struggling, yes, even 5 months after being home. I needed to share with those close to me that sometimes, I
just need to talk about Senegal. Sometimes I need to show a picture of my host sister
and all anyone needs to do is give me an indulgent giggle or two. If there are
other returned volunteers out there who didn’t jump back into “normal” life as
easily as it seems like your fellow returned friends did, that’s okay.
xx