It's a mad world

I don’t really know where to appropriately begin this post. I usually have a pretty clear direction of where I want to go and what I ultimately want my blog posts to be about but this one is different. I have followed my typical pattern of writing up random thoughts in a word document as well as cataloging my observations when I’m out and about. I’ve gone through the habitual steps but I still feel like this post will be even more all over the place than usual. You see, I’m doing pretty well here overall. Sure, right now things are a bit slow with Ramadan and the fact that the air is completely stagnant and incredibly hot (I know you’ve seen all my sweating stories on Facebook). I don’t really have a lot going on work wise but it will come soon and I’m not too worried about it. As you all have probably figured out by now, when I have a significant amount of down time, I end up thinking about various random things.

Recently thoughts of my family and various dramas going on back home have consumed a lot of my time. My dad recently lost his younger brother, my uncle Norbert who I have mentioned in various posts. He was incredibly close to him as was my mother. She lost one of her best friends.

Norbert was the kind of person that even though he was going through something more painful than most of us can imagine, he still took the time to be considerate and he cared deeply about his family and friends. I think that we could all benefit if we took a page from his book. Lately I feel as if some people back home are forgetting what is important in life.


There is far too much focus on pettiness and resentments that are long past. Instead of thinking about the fact that our family is already small enough and that we should cherish what we have, there has been criticism and hurtful words spread. Instead of encouragement and candid conversation, there is backstabbing and gossip. I’m not saying that some of the frustrations expressed aren’t valid, but I think there are better outlets for dealing with them. I would hate to think that Norbert’s passing meant nothing to anyone. I would hate to think that he left and we continued to foster unnecessary hatred towards one another. I would hope that his passing would enable all of us to reach into our hearts and hold on to what we have here because you never know when it’s going to be gone.

Underneath friendships, jobs, boyfriends, and whatever else, family is truly all we have. It is what we are born with, for better or worse, and it is what we need to protect. I am writing this not only because I am frustrated and sad with what I see going on back home but also as reassurance to anyone who is possibly dealing with a similar situation. I encourage everyone to make that weekly phone call, to give an extra hug, and to always say I love you.

 I know this might be getting kind of personal but I started this blog in order to document what is happening in my life during my Peace Corps service. Unfortunately these issues back home consume a lot of my everyday thoughts and are truly affecting my well-being here. I’m not writing this because I expect that things will miraculously get better. I am not naïve enough to believe that. I know that all families have problems; I just love mine too much to let things slip away or get worse. I hope that my family loves me enough to read what I have to say with care and an open mind. I’m not writing this to go on the defense or attack anyone. I know that we are all going through struggles and I write this with wishes that we can support and help one another. I am writing this because I am hurting and this is one of my outlets that I use when I am having a hard time. I am hoping that my words will be heard and will possibly help but all I can do is hope.

Along with my thoughts of home, I have also been thinking a lot about all of the hatred that there is the world. I honestly don’t understand it. I recently watched the “bi-racial” cheerios commercial that has had so many people super freaked out. I am at a loss for words on what to think of our society today. I was at least reassured after watching a video montage highlighting various children’s’ reactions to the commercial. They, rightly, didn’t see anything wrong with the fact that the couple featured was of different races. I applaud the parents of these children. I believe hatred and racism is something that is often taught.  I don’t think that we are born with this animosity in our hearts. I do believe that it’s possible to break free of the chains that bind us to the opinions of our families but it has got to be difficult. I want to share a quick blurb that I read on the comments of the video interviewing the children. It really stuck with me. It’s nothing super special; actually it is quite odd where it was taken from. It’s just a few lines from Rodgers and Hammerstein musical South Pacific that was filmed back in 1949.

You've got to be taught to hate and fear,

You've got to be taught from year to year,

It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear,

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,

Before you are six or seven or eight,

To hate all the people your relatives hate,

You've got to be carefully taught!

Why do some choose to continue to perpetuate the hatred? From one generation to another? This doesn’t only apply to racism but to negative thoughts in general. Why can’t we let go of our own past pains and encourage our children to be positive and happy? I am obviously not speaking from a parent’s point of view but as a child who has experienced others growing up in a resolutely negative atmosphere. I feel bad for them. I pity those who can’t see past their own shortcomings and look forward to a brighter future for their children. Luckily, I was fortunate enough to be born into a family that didn’t tolerate that sort of behavior. I did have very traditional, strict, German grandparents who would occasionally make racist comments but they were not sentiments that my parents shared which made them easier for me to escape.

I guess I would like to end this rambling, incredibly personal blog, by talking about forgiveness and the true importance of the word. Our lives are so short. Why can’t we make the best of it while we’re here? What does holding onto grudges and spewing hateful jargon really do for anyone? Why can’t we let things go and instead of criticizing others, why don’t we work towards our own personal betterment? Why can’t we lean on one another and offer support and guidance to those we know are hurting? There are people in the world, who are going through struggles that are beyond our magnitude to comprehend. I feel that as someone who has been living in a developing country for over a year, I have some room to speak on this subject. The people here may be “suffering” but they sure as hell do love each other. Family is number one.

In Senegal, you never turn your back on your family; you are always willing to take them in, to give them a second chance. This is one reason why African families are so huge (there’s also no real concept of birth control but that’s a topic for another day). These people may not ever have clean water; they may have to wait a few days before they can afford a proper meal for their family, and they may not have the best healthcare or education system but they sure do understand the importance of forgiveness. Maybe instead of continually pushing our sense of development on them, we should take a page from their book.

Until next time then,

xx

Ramadan... For a day

5:00 AM – Wake up. Realize that the bread I bought last night has gone stale. It’s hard as a rock. Improvise. Eat two bananas and a cliff bar instead, knowing that this isn’t going to be enough to last me but also knowing there’s nothing that I can do about it. Drink a liter of water. Almost puke because of forcing said rapid consumption upon myself at such an early hour but force it down. Go back to sleep.

6:00 AM – Wake up to pee.

6:20 AM – Pee again.

7:00 AM – Pee…

7:40 AM – Take a guess

8:30 AM – Wake up sweating while realizing the electricity has gone out. Swear to myself but then remember that I need to get up for the day anyway.

9:00 AM – Meeting at mayor’s office. Naturally sit and wait for the entire group to arrive. Watch mayor drinking water in front of me (he’s catholic meaning no Ramadan) with an abnormal amount of loathing.

9:20 AM – Meeting still hasn’t started. Feeling a slight rumbling in my stomach. Thoughts of the long day that looms ahead of me are running rampant.

10:00 AM – Meeting is in full swing but I am falling asleep because I am tired and thirsty and I also do not understand the languages being spoken around me. Dehydration headache is blooming.

11:20 AM – Back home with a book, journal, cell phone, and computer to distract me for the next 8 hours. Too hot to nap so don't even suggest it.

At this point, some of you might ask, why are you doing this and also, what in the hell is going on? I am wondering that myself at this point. It seemed like such a good idea yesterday. Two of my other Peace Corps friends were doing it so I figured that we’d have each other to call and whine to. We decided to fast for one day of Ramadan. Just one day. During the entire month of Ramadan, I am asked by my Muslim friends and family here why I am not fasting. Typically I just respond with, I am not Muslim, it’s not part of my religion. This year, though, I wanted to try it. I was interested in seeing what they went through for a month. I wanted to see why this was important to them. Mostly, I wanted to show solidarity with the culture that I have been living in for over a year, even if it was only for one day.

For those of you that don't know, Ramadan is a time of spiritual reflection, improvement, increased devotion and worship. Muslims are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam. Fasting is one of the five pillars of Islam meaning it is an essential component of the religion. The fast begins at dawn (hence my 5 AM chow fest) and ends at sunset (which ended up being around 7:30 PM). In addition to abstaining from eating and drinking, Muslims also increase restraint, such as abstaining from sexual relations and generally sinful speech and behavior. The act of fasting is said to redirect the heart away from worldly activities, its purpose being to cleanse the soul by freeing it from harmful impurities. Ramadan also teaches Muslims how to better practice self-discipline, self-control, sacrifice, and empathy for those who are less fortunate; thus encouraging actions of generosity and compulsory charity, zakat. (Washington Post, not sure if I have to site stuff in a private blog…)

For some Muslims, fasting may instill a sense of fraternity and unity, as they believe they are feeling and experiencing what their needy and hungry brothers and sisters are feeling. Those who are already poor and hungry are often considered exempt from fasting, as their condition renders them effectively fasting all the time; however, many still refrain from eating during the day. The fast is intended to teach Muslims patience and self-control, and to remind them of the less fortunate in the world. I especially appreciate this part as I think this is something those of us who are more fortunate often forget. Faithful observance of the fast is believed to atone for personal faults and misdeeds, at least in part, and to help earn a place in paradise. It is also believed to be beneficial for personal conduct, that is, to help control impulses, passions and temper. The fast is also meant to provide time for meditation and to strengthen one's faith (ramadan.co.uk). 

Before I decided to take a day to fast, I saw Ramadan very differently. To most PCV’s, me included, Ramadan can be somewhat of an annoyance. People tend to be quite irritable and tired (no kidding, eh, after not eating or drinking and being in oppressive heat all day). You often have to rethink your traveling as taking public transportation in the late afternoon can be quite dangerous with people rushing home to break fast. Around this time people are obviously even more tired and irritable considering that the end of their long day is finally approaching. During Ramadan, whether you live with a Senegalese family or not, eating can be more difficult. I have a friend whose town doesn’t even make bread during the month. Many restaurants are closed down or are open for very odd hours and often boutiques are sold out of staple cooking items. As selfish as it may be, many of us only think about how Ramadan is going to affect our day to day. I am so glad that I took a step back and truly realized the importance of this month and the difficulty those fasting are really experiencing. At the end of the day, after many more hours of boredom and hunger pains, I broke fast with a Senegalese family that I often share meals with here. Their gratitude and delight at the fact that I had fasted all day was well worth the few hours of difficulty. I’m not saying that I want to do it again anytime soon but now, I feel like I get it a little better, and I respect it greatly.  

Another aspect in which Ramadan affects us volunteers is through our work. Most of my projects have been halted right now because people are simply too tired to really engage in anything new. I now feel that I understand the importance of Ramadan to Muslims a little more and I have decided to take this month to reflect, meditate and work on what I truly want to accomplish in the next year.

I would like for my language to become better. I get along fine with my French and the basic conversations I can have in the local languages but I know that I can improve. I’m sure that you have all seen the photos of the scholarship program I have been posting and I am happy to say that we were able to complete funding! This will be delivered to the girls through me this fall and I can’t wait to take them out to get all that they will need for their next year of school. In this next year, I want to further develop my relationship with those girls. Along those lines, I want to execute a successful leadership camp for them this September. I would like to start a dance club at one of the middle schools. I used to dance way back in the day and I really miss it. It would be fun to start up something that I love and could share with the kids here. I am planning on starting an entrepreneurship course at the high school that will tie in with an internship program matching high school students with a specialist in a field they are potentially interested in. I want to continue the work I have started with my various women’s groups as well as form a network for them to work together easier. I would like for the waste management and sensitization project my site mate and I are doing to be wrapped up successfully. A final work-related goal I have is to continue with my English teaching projects and also facilitate an effective series of English Camps between PCV’s and the US Embassy.

On the more personal side I would like to use my bike more. This basically means getting over my fear that kids might attack me on it. I want to learn how to cook a proper Senegalese meal from start to finish. I want to work on my fitness. That’s right, I said it like that! I need to continue working on my patience. Living here has helped more than I could have ever imagined but I still can progress further. I am going to study for and take the GRE while here in Senegal. I’m going to continue pushing myself to get out in the community, even on the days where I’d prefer to hole up in my room and watch one movie after another (yes, those days still happen even after a year). As my time begins to wind down, I am hoping to either have started applying for jobs or being decided on a graduate program. Finally, I want to have at least 365 more adventures.

Until the next adventure then,

xx

30 books, 50 movies, and 100 pages later. 1 Year In.

By 1 year in, I mean I have been living in Senegal for over a year now. This is not necessarily one year that I have been sworn into the Peace Corps, that comes August 10^th. How did this happen!? I remember my post after I was one MONTH in. My, time sure flies when you're having fun.... or also when you're not. My one year anniversary of living in Senegal just so happens to fall shortly after I had been vacationing in the states for about three weeks. I was originally supposed to go for under two weeks but then there was a death in my family so I was able to get my trip extended. Cancer finally won the battle against my sweet uncle Norbert. The void that has been left in our family is unexplainable but at least we can all find peace in the fact that his suffering is finally over.

Other than the obvious unfortunate reason that I was home early, the trip was amazing. There were nice dinners; that food that I had been missing for months and months was plentiful and in every direction that I looked. The air conditioning and use of my old car in order to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted were amazing. I couldn’t put a price or quantifiable value on the time with my family. My nieces didn’t forget me. They warmed up to me and realized who I was again almost immediately.

Everything was so clean. My adorable family had my room spotless and there were fresh sheets!!!! I’m telling you, hand-washed sheets just don’t smell the same. The mountains were incredibly beautiful and I spent a fair amount of time in them just relishing in what I had missed so much. I was able to see old friends, laugh and catch up on their lives. I played my favorite sports, golf and tennis, and wasn’t even that horrible! I went running with my mom and was able to do so without feeling completely harassed and signaled out (other than the fact that the altitude about obliterated me). In fact, I could go anywhere I wanted and perfectly blend in. No one shouted anything at me; no one demanded money or treats and no one made me feel unwelcome. It was bliss.

During my visit, I was asked if it was hard to be home, if I was having trouble readjusting. Honestly, I thought that it would be a lot harder. It was too easy to get back into the routine of having my own transportation, speaking English, having a refrigerator, having cold and clean drinking water, sleeping in a comfortable bed not in a pool of my own sweat, taking hot showers every day, seeing my family, and just being back in normal life. However, it wasn’t easy to see the excessive wealth. It was difficult to adjust to the price of things and to realize how much crap everyone has. Driving on the freeway legitimately scared me. The technology everywhere honestly grossed me out. It’s all over the place. I saw multiple groups of people that would sit there, not saying a word to each other, and just be messing around with their gadgets.  

Another common series of questions that I was asked by virtually everyone was obviously about my time in Senegal. “How’s Senegal, do you just love it?!” (No, no I don’t. I’m actually not just on an extended vacation there, contrary to popular belief). “What’s Africa like?!” (It’s hot there. If I went past this response, eyes tended to glaze over unless they were my close friends). “So, like, what are you even doing over there?” (Good question. Helping the people? My standard response: Working with underrepresented groups such as women and children and teaching them ways to alleviate their poverty (The typical response to that? Silence.  And then, oh…awesome!). “Did you learn that clicking language?” (Um, no). People mean well but ultimately the only ones who truly understand my time in Senegal and what it has been like for me here are my fellow PCV friends.

I guess that brings me to the last question that I was consistently asked, “When are you coming home?” This one was a little more difficult for me to answer. Like most PCV’s, I go back and forth every day, such is the rollercoaster life of our emotions here. One day I want to slap every Senegalese person I see in the face (don’t worry, I don’t actually do this) and run all the way back to the states but then the next day, I’m walking around greeting everyone and loving life. For me, I came to Senegal to work, to help people, to make a difference in the world. I knew I would have downtime but I thought that would be minimal compared to my work load. I have found this is not the case.  I can’t say though that a part of me didn’t come here for the selfish reasons as well. I know what this experience will do for my professional life as well as my own personal growth that I am going through here.

I think, though, sometimes I forget what I signed up for by coming here. It’s not supposed to be a cakewalk (as one of my good friends here put it). Every day is hard. Every single day is a challenge but what is life anywhere if not a series of different challenges? Yes, I miss everyone and everything familiar to me but my visit home definitely taught me that nothing has changed in the states. Some people have moved away and there are more babies, different jobs, but overall, everyone and everything are exactly the same.

I guess the moral of all this insane rambling is that I’m going to do my best to keep pushing on here. The answer to the question is that I don’t know when I’m coming home. I’m not making any promises and I’m just going to try to live simply and take things one day at a time.

Now I’d like to end this on a fun note. You’re probably wondering what in the hell I do with myself amidst all of this downtime that I ramble on and on about. Well, in the past year, I have read over 30 books. I re-read some of my favorite books that if you haven’t read, you need to. These include The Passage, The Terror, The Giver, The Last Lecture, and Under the Dome (among 7 other Stephen King books, him being my favorite author and all). I have watched about 7 different full series of TV shows. New favorites included Modern Family and New Girl along with re-watching one of my favorite series of all time, Arrested Development. I watched around 50 movies. Of course, the best Pixar and Disney were on repeat (Tangled, Up, Wall-E, Toy Story, How to Train Your Dragon, Mulan, etc.). Finally, I wrote. I wrote this blog and I wrote over 100 pages in a journal. I also sat a lot and just reflected. I reflected about many of the things I’ve written here so no need to get into any of that again.

Overall, I am so grateful for this journey and what it has taught me about the world and myself. Not many people can say they spent a year in Senegal: learning new languages, dancing, crying, laughing, and just living. I can. And I will never regret it.

Until the next time then,

xx

Expectations vs. Reality

As I sit here listening to the sounds of Senegal; namely animals (I can’t believe I used to think that the sound a donkey made was cute and don’t even get me started on the roosters), vague cries of screaming children, arguments in the local language and birds pleasantly mixed in there somewhere, I can’t help but think about what my expectations were for this whole experience. Most of my life has been defined by the expectations that I set for things. I criticize my relationships because maybe they aren't living up to my unrealistic expectations of how they “should” be. I criticize myself because I feel like I’m not using my time in the best way that I can or that I'm not trying hard enough. I get way too excited for things and then I’m often disappointed (hello New Year’s Eve, yeah, you actually really suck). I expect more from people than I should. I tried my best to come into this whole Peace Corps experience without high expectations but, of course, I was and still am somewhat disappointed with my time here thus far. Those of you who know me well probably already know this and even if you don’t know me well, you could probably figure that out from reading this blog. Now, I’m not saying this to be dramatic or that my entire time here has been bad by any means, some of it has been really great but some, not so much.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, one of the main reasons that I wanted to join the Peace Corps was because of the experience that I had in Tanzania (East Africa, Senegal is West, you’re welcome). I expected my experience in Senegal to be similar to the one I had in Tanzania, this is why I specifically requested Africa on my application. This request doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you will get to go where you want to go but considering no one really ever requests to go to Africa, I had a pretty great shot. I expected to be welcomed into Senegal, more or less, with open arms. I didn’t expect the sudden and unrelenting general resentment that I feel here constantly. I expected to stand out and to be made fun of because of my funny accent. I didn’t expect to feel ostracized, discriminated against and to have my every move criticized. Here, pretty much everything I do is amusing, scary, confusing and/or incredibly interesting to most Senegalese people. I can be simply sitting on a chair outside and draw a crowd of 20 people. Don’t even get me started on the time I tried to go to the beach when I lived in Palmarin with my host family. Let’s just say there were children literally clinging to me from the moment I stepped onto the sand. Sometimes I use this to my advantage and like to have a little fun by chasing kids. Not in a menacing way… I just sort of run after a group of them that have been harassing me waving my arms in the air and sometimes laughing maniacally. Don’t judge me. You’d start doing weird stuff like that too if you’d been here as long as me. Don’t worry, if I really frighten the children I stop and kindly greet them and then proceed to carry on with my day.  

Moving on, I expected to feel useful and that my information and training were things that my communities really needed and wanted. There are some people that I interact with who feel this way but mostly they look at me, find out I’m an American, and instantly just want hundreds of thousands of CFA and my hair. Yeah, they love white peoples’ hair. At least I mitigated that little problem by cutting all of mine off. I’m pretty sure many Senegalese people think that we are basically bathing in money over there in the states.  A lot of people here assume that if they could just get to America, then all of their problems would be solved! I try my best to explain that we have problems with unemployment, education and poverty in the states too but my heartfelt talks rarely get through to people here.

I didn’t expect to miss my family this much. I know what you’re thinking, what a baby, always talking about missing her family! Well, it’s true, I am a baby then. I miss them so much almost every single day. It is really hard for me to be here when there are struggles going on back home. Even when there aren't struggles, just not getting to hug them and joke around with them is hard. I also didn't expect to be this homesick for familiarity. I always considered myself a traveled individual who loved exploring new cultures, eating new foods, learning new languages, living abroad and having these wild experiences. The more time I spend here, though, the more I can’t wait to go back to what I know and love. I still think that I love the international experience but I’m not sure I’m willing to spend an extended amount of time like this away again.

Aside from my skewed expectations, I think that the overreaching goals of the Peace Corps as an agency are somewhat flawed. Is it an agency of development or of fostering cross-cultural friendships? Should they be more focused on recruiting older volunteers who are more experienced in the designated sectors or college grads that are fresh and ready for an exciting adventure? Integrating into a community is hard when your host family views you as their next big paycheck. Plus, it’s hard to make any sustainable change happen in some of these towns that are simply used to various NGO’s coming in, dumping money on them, and leaving. Alas, I suppose that is why I’m here. I joined the Peace Corps for a challenge. I joined to try and learn a new language, to experience a new culture. I joined to try and help people.

In my new town, the helping is coming a bit easier so it’s high time I share with you all a little bit of what I’ve been doing this past month or so. I am currently working with a scholarship program at one of the middle schools. This program was established in order to reward girls who are getting good grades but who also come from lower income families. The drop-out rate for girls of the middle school age here in Senegal is quite high. Many of these girls end up having to quit school in order to help out their family around the house. Another issue is that they sometimes become pregnant and have to quit school to start raising a family of their own. This program works to keep girls in school and out of trouble by providing benefits for those who are excelling academically and making an example out of these girls in order to inspire others. It is my job to proctor essay-writing sessions, hold personal interviews, visit their homes, collect teacher recommendations and become a mentor to the 9 selected girls (the 3 highest in 3 of the grade levels who were also deemed worthy of financial aid). At the end of the program, a group of us volunteers will be holding a Girls Leadership Camp. At the camp we will be focusing on health, environment, finances, and the future. I am very excited and will be sure to post more details as that gets closer.

Another one of my other projects is a waste management sensitization. There is a new system being established in my town and it’s been my job to organize how to inform the population about the benefits of this system and why they should partake. My site mate and I have mobilized several youth groups to attend training sessions on how to explain this sensitization and they will eventually be going out in the community to train their peers and community members.

I’m working with several women’s groups on marketing, product development, small accounting lessons and business formalization. I am hoping to start an adult informal English language club and I have been collaborating with the US Embassy in Dakar on providing training for volunteers who have received requests to teach English in our various sites. Finally, I’m hoping to start a youth entrepreneurial program at the high school this next school year while continuing random work with various other schools such as helping organize a Bob Marley Day (happening tomorrow) which will include me teaching a dance to some middle school girls, chhyeah, excited!

Needless to say, I’m pretty busy, but somehow I’m still just not feeling very fulfilled here in Senegal. I think that with my trip back home hanging over my head, I’m having a hard time thinking clearly here. I know that this trip is going to decide a lot for me. I know it’s going to be so hard seeing my family and having to say goodbye to them, again, but if it’s just too hard then I will have learned something. Maybe this experience was only supposed to be one year for me. Maybe I’ll be anxious to get back to Senegal. You never know, all I know is that I’m never going to be sorry or disappointed in what I chose. I am so happy that I took this chance and that I continue to learn more about myself every single day.  

Until next time,

xx

Air-conditioning, Mexican food and...equality?

*disclaimer* close-minded, ignorant people need not continue reading…

Sometimes I find myself wondering what life would have been like living and growing up in the 1800s before the Emancipation Proclamation, when slavery was still widely accepted. I like to think that, even then, I would have been the kind of person who was adamantly against that. I think (and hope) that most of us would probably have that same sentiment and claim, "Oh if I would have been alive then, I would have done something about it!" And to those people, I would like to pose a question, why aren't you doing anything now? Living in a developing country has obviously significantly altered my perspective but I like to think things were changing for me well before that. My whole life I have grown up believing that everyone, no matter their race, religion, gender, sexual preference, whatever, should be treated the same. This means that we should all be allowed the same basic, fundamental human rights.

I think that right now individuals of homosexual/bisexual preferences are the next human rights movement. The fact that this group of people largely aren't allowed to marry the one they love and are shown enormous amounts of hatred, discrimination and sometimes violent acts because of the way they were born?! Come on. That's horrifying. I think the United States is slowly making strides but overall and elsewhere in the world, the battle is just beginning.

Some of you may be wondering why I am writing about this. You may be thinking, wow this has nothing to do with living in Senegal; when, in fact, it does. Homosexuality is completely under wraps here. I don't think it's something I'm going to be able to change in my service here but it is an issue I care deeply about and since this is my blog, I do what I want! Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals in Senegal face legal challenges not experienced by non-LGBT residents. Senegal specifically out laws same-sex sexual acts, and has prosecuted men accused of homosexuality in the past. Homosexuals face routine discrimination in the society. According to the 2007 Pew Global Attitudes Project, 97 percent of Senegalese residents believe that homosexuality is a way of life that society should not accept, which was the second-highest rate of non-acceptance in the 45 countries surveyed. (go ahead, look it up if you don’t believe me, http://pewglobal.org/files/pdf/258.pdf)! This doesn’t have anything really to do with my Peace Corps work but it’s something I care strongly about and may even pursue a graduate degree in international policy with an emphasis on human rights.

As you may or may not know, back in college, I interned with a fantastic organization in Utah called the Utah Council for Citizen Diplomacy. The mission of this organization is to promote respect and understanding between the people of Utah and other nations. The guiding principle being citizen diplomacy is the concept that the individual has the right, even the responsibility, to help shape U.S. foreign relations, “one handshake at a time.” (Yes, that was taken directly off their website, utahdiplomacy.org, checkitout).

All of that basically means that this organization would host international visitors from all over the world that were studying various topics. I’m sure you’re wondering why they would want to come to Utah of all places. The visitor that I was especially touched by came to Utah from Uganda because she wanted to study LGBTQ rights in a conservative community. Salt Lake City was the perfect place for that. I organized her entire program (meetings, hotel, meals, etc.) and even got to accompany her for her entire stay. She was an amazing woman and the fear with which she lived her life every day by simply being the person she was in her home country was appalling. She confided in me that she was terrified to go home, that one of her good friends had just been KILLED because there were suspicions that he was homosexual. In certain countries, you can be imprisoned by simply KNOWING someone is homosexual and not turning them in. Before this gets too intense or goes too far, I’ll wrap it up by saying that I just wanted to explain a little bit of my background working in this area.  I also want to encourage anyone who actually reads this to do something if they are as frustrated and disgusted by how things are as I am. Join a support group, write a letter, support a friend. Even something that seems small can make a difference.

As usual, I feel that I should lighten things up a bit. My last post was about my apprehensions about coming home. As it gets closer, I’ve been thinking about the things that I’m really excited to come home to! Apart from seeing my family and some friends (that’s obviously first) there are some things that I simply can’t wait for. Things like food. Good food, available whenever I want. Good restaurants, even fast-food restaurants. Fast-food here is not exactly fast at all. Mexican food. Oh man all the cheese!!!! Café Rio. I miss Café Rio; Big, delicious, fresh salads that I don’t have to bleach all of the ingredients beforehand. I have to stop talking about food. I’m drooling all over the place.

Also, independence. I’m going to be able to drive myself wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go. I can go to a grocery store, a real grocery store with every ingredient I could imagine, also while understanding what everything is I'm buying. Here, we have some large supermarket type places but obviously everything is in French so sometimes I really am not quite sure what I’m buying, just hoping for the best. That was getting to food again… clearly it’s high on my list of things I’m excited for.

It will be nice to have the option to go to the movies. Probably won’t waste my time with that but just having the option of SO MANY THINGS TO DO will be awesome.

Good beer. Man I miss good beer.  I guess I miss most alcoholic beverages that aren’t akin to lighter fluid. Not saying I indulge here often but when I do, it’s usually pretty nasty.

Hot showers erryday. Every day, I can go into a bathroom, that probably doesn’t have cockroaches a plenty, and take a hot shower, with real water pressure?! Can’t be true.

Blending in. I can’t wait to be able to walk down the streets and not get toubab, toubab, TOUBAB screamed at me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in an earlier post but toubab is the word for foreigner here and I hear it on a multiple times a day basis. It’s cool to feel sort of like a celebrity but you end up feeling like that celebrity that everyone kind of hates and wants to throw stuff at. Everywhere you go people notice you but it’s usually not good attention.

Air conditioning. Air conditioning. Air conditioning. I could say it 41943 more times. Sure, the summers in Utah can be brutal but there is repose from that. You walk outside and boy, is it hot, but then you usually get into your air-conditioned car. Then, that walk from your car to your house, office, supermarket is brutal until; again, you’re in the air-conditioning. Yeah, there’s none of that here. When we’re hot, another volunteer here has what she calls “wet noodling.” She strips down, bucket bathes in cold water, and then soaks her sheet in cold water, after she proceeds to wrap herself in the wet sheet and lie on the floor (often the coolest spot to be). This position works even better if you have a fan to lie in front of while you are “wet-noodling.” I guess that’s the Senegalese version of air-conditioning so yeah, I’m excited for the real thing.

I think that’s a good enough start to sum up what I’m excited for. Again, I’m not looking to offend anyone with this post. I’m just hoping to open a few minds and, as always, make you think.

Until next time,

xx

So, you want to be a Peace Corps Volunteer

I know that there have been about 34719843 articles, blogs, excerpts, books, essays, etc. written about this very topic (I’ve even shared a few of them) but I figured that it couldn’t hurt to have one more personal perspective on the subject. I feel that I had sort of a unique situation coming into this experience compared to most of the other volunteers that I know. The longest I had ever been away from my family was about a solid month I would say. I had some little summer excursions and small trips but the absolute longest I went without seeing (just seeing, I talked to them plenty too) my family was, again, only a month. This brings me to my first tip if you are someone you know is considering joining the Peace Corps:

• You need to have experienced a sufficient amount of time away from home and everything familiar to you. Most Peace Corps volunteers have studied abroad or went to college in another state or had some sort of extensive experience where they were away from their home. Or, most people moved around enough or maybe weren’t as close to their family as I am that the time apart isn’t really that huge of an issue. Maybe I’m a huge baby or something but I’m here to say, it’s an issue for me. I miss everyone every single day but it’s definitely hurting a little less the more time that I spend here. The first few months were almost unbearably hard. I cried almost every single day. Your first, real experience with homesickness can be physically debilitating. This isn’t to scare anyone off by any means. I am simply giving a fair warning, if you are as close to your family as I am; Don’t let your first extended abroad experience happen where you’ll be living in a developing country probably in a small village away from anyone and everything that is familiar.

In order to get into the Peace Corps, you usually have to have extensive knowledge of a language besides English, typically French or Spanish. French speakers are especially sought after because there are not many Americans who learn French in school.

• The importance of actually studying and doing your best to learn whatever foreign language you’re claiming to know before you get to your country of service is absolutely crucial. Peace Corps will train you in the local language but often, if they don’t feel like your level of the official language is high enough, you will be reviewing that for most of your training. This is the route that I had to undertake and it set me back immensely. I was unable to properly communicate with my host family and many people in the community. I felt that the French review was helpful in the fact that I use French every day when I am speaking with teachers, government officials or other educated people but in the day-to-day life, I am at a huge disadvantage. I almost never fully understood what my host family was saying to me and while I was close to them, I think that with a better training in the language they spoke, I could’ve been much closer. This is somewhat past tense because with my move I don’t actually live in a host family anymore but with my first one in Palmarin, things were confusing. Communication is getting better now the more I learn (except that now I’m learning a different local language with the new town… crying a little inside) but again, those first few months of not only homesickness but also not being able to properly communicate with anyone were hell.  

The majority of Peace Corps volunteers are recent college graduates. I think that this is the demographic that recruiters most often go after because they are at a vulnerable point in their lives. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life after obtaining my bachelor’s degree and the allure and excitement that Peace Corps presented to me almost sounded too good to be true. Perhaps I am a different case because Peace Corps is something I’ve wanted to do for most of my life but for many college grads, the promise of adventure and serving others reels them right in.

• I would suggest working for a few years in the states before going abroad into the Peace Corps. Sure, most of us that came virtually right out of college have some work experience but not necessarily the skill set that is needed in a developing country. Most of the time I feel completely under qualified to be here. I know that most volunteers feel this way for at least some part of their service but as my friend Kelly has explained to me, most of us are simply here to do the research, offer our unique western perspective and provide help with basic skills that we have known how to do for years. I think that my experience here and what I have to offer would be infinitely more valuable if I had been in a professional working environment and waited to apply for the Peace Corps for a few years before coming here. Then again, with the economy the way it is now, that’s why most of us are here is because we’re running away in a sense from having to find careers in the states. Along those same lines, if you’re a self-starter, the Peace Corps is the place for you; but, if you’re not, you’re in for a world of frustration considering that once you’re placed in your site it’s pretty much up to you to determine the needs of your town and get things started.

The challenges that we go through here are hard for people to really comprehend sometimes. We are constantly expected to be on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are consistently surrounded by people who we don’t speak the same language as who really don’t understand what we’re doing here and most of us don’t even understand what we’re doing sometimes.

• I feel frustrated, under-qualified, discouraged, scared, lonely, terrorized, taken advantage of, ridiculed among a million other things every single day. No matter how great your projects might be going or how much your language is improving; you will feel that way too if you’re in the Peace Corps. Often the people in host countries don’t seem to understand that volunteers are here, not getting paid, living away from our families, friends and comforts to be here, to help them. They see me instead as a walking ATM, an idiot who can’t properly communicate, a woman who doesn’t know what she’s talking about, a potential wife, a meal ticket to America, someone to be made fun of and harassed when I don’t understand. But, then there are the good days that make it all worth it, which I’m sure I’ve talked about in previous posts so that’s all I’ll say there. Most days I still don’t know what I’m doing here but I’m so glad that I tried as hard as I did to get to this point in my life. It was never easy. But at least I’ll live the rest of my life knowing I tried.

This brings me to another important point that you need to know before you think of applying to the Peace Corps.

• They aren’t kidding when they say the application process will take a year. In my case, it took a little over 2 years to get accepted. I have had some people ask me, is it hard to get in? Absolutely it is. Not only qualifications wise but you have to have the patience and perseverance in order to simply keep your application moving along. If you are serious about wanting to apply for the Peace Corps, start early. You also need to have significant leadership and volunteer experience. You must make sure you’re healthy, that you have a clean criminal record, and that you don’t have any commitments holding you to the states such as debt, children, etc. You also need to be a college graduate, the higher your grades, the better chance you have. I’m sure there’s more but if people reading this are really serious about joining the Peace Corps then I’m assuming you’ll have done your research on what you need to be and do.

I would say that about sums up the areas that I’ve had the hardest time with here. Your frustrations and challenges will surprise you. Sure, the heat, bugs, lack of resources, sicknesses, and general feelings of discomfort are tough but are much more manageable than the issues I’ve previously mentioned.

Considering this post seems to be a lot about my feelings I thought I’d continue that train and talk about the fact that I’m coming home to visit in less than two months! While I’m obviously ecstatic, I also have some reservations and apprehensions about coming home. I’m really nervous about seeing my house without my dog being there. She was there, fine and happy, when I left and to come home without her there is going to be really tough. I’m nervous about seeing my friends. I know that I’ve changed and it makes me wonder how much our relationships will have changed. Sometimes I don’t feel like I really fit in anywhere anymore. I’m certainly not integrated to the point where I feel like I completely fit in here in Senegal but I also can’t really relate with what my friends are going through back home. I’m uneasy about being surrounded by obscene amounts of wastefulness compared to what I’m used to seeing and I’m worried that I’m going to lose it on the wrong person who just doesn’t know any differently.

Finally, I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t be able to make myself come back to Senegal. Every part of me wants to finish my two years and successfully complete my service but, as previously mentioned, it’s just so damn hard sometimes. That’s why part of my agreement with people that I’m going to see when I’m home is that they have to be super obnoxious and difficult my last few days there so that I can’t wait to leave (hehe). Contrary to most of the tone of this post though, I’m doing fine. I just moved into my new place in the bigger town and it’s going well so far! Of course it’s taking getting used to as it does when you move to a new city anytime but overall I think that I will be much happier and more successful here.

Until next time then,

xx

Meaning of Life

I realized in my last post that I randomly brought up moving to a bigger town with absolutely no back story or preface as to why this might be happening and how this is possible. Sorry about that. So, as I have mentioned 54195 times, I live in a small village of about 2,500 people. The location of this village is between the coast and the Sine-Saloum Delta making it quite picturesque and unbelievably tranquil. However, as beautiful as it may be down here, I’m not sure this community is necessarily “in need” of a Peace Corps volunteer. That might sound strange seeming as most people in the Western world hear Africa and immediately think of children dressed in rags, covered in flies, dirty and surrounded by utter poverty. I assure you that level of poverty does exist here (side rant, in a few of my packages I have received celebrity magazines. They’re fun to read but also make me kind of want to puke and shake these idiot famous people. I’m sitting here next to a child who wears the same dirty t-shirt every day, reading about the latest “it” person who spent $2,000 on a wallet. It’s disgusting) but for the most part my village seems to know what they’re doing, they've had Peace Corps volunteers down here for the last 10 years.

You see, there is a sort of application process for requesting a Peace Corps volunteer in your village or town. I believe the main qualifications are that there is sufficient work and needs to be fulfilled in order to legitimize the necessity of a volunteer in the site. We also “graduate” from sites when we feel like they can take things over on their own, this obviously being a great thing as the goal of Peace Corps work is sustainability after we’re gone. Basically, we are not forcing aid upon communities. In my case, there was a locally established campement (small hotel) that needed help with business formalization, marketing, staff training, etc. I was placed here because of my international business background as well as previous experience working in a hotel that prided itself on environmentally friendly practices. Well. This all sounds fine and dandy which set my expectations significantly higher than they should have been. Each time I visited the campement for a progress update I was told, “Oh, it will be completely constructed next month!” Or, “By tourist season, we will be up and running and ready for your help.” Yeah these things weren't exactly accurate; it still remains tightly closed down. Don’t get me wrong, I have certainly come up with other ways to try and bide my time here (which I have talked about enough in previous posts, I’m sure); but, once school is out and tourist season is over, I couldn't really imagine what I would do down here. Therefore, I have been talking to my supervisors and other volunteers, trying to come up with the best solution.

Site changes are very rare and are usually only approved in serious situations; however, when I came to my supervisor complaining about a lack of work, he was more than understanding and has been working with me ever since then to figure out the best solution. Assuming I can find a suitable place to live, I will be moving to a bigger town in April. I’m slightly apprehensive. It’s just like when I was first installed into my village all over again. I will have to develop new routines, forge new friendships and integrate into a new community. There will be more harassment, less tranquility and just a new set of challenges. I’m also worried about the opinions of other volunteers. I know that I shouldn't be but as a community, other volunteers can be very judgmental. We have a tendency to constantly compare ourselves and there is this ongoing battle of who is “roughing” it more and having the “true Peace Corps experience.” Although, if people realize that I could have just relaxed on the beach for 2 years and I am choosing to move in order to have meaningful projects, I would hope that they would understand. Ultimately, I think it will be worth it.

While moving for work purposes is legitimate and all, I definitely am not prepared for how difficult it is going to be to leave Palmarin. I have started telling the people that I am closest to in the community and their reactions have been overwhelming. The artisans I help with English are sad to see me go but said they have such a positive view of Americans and the Peace Corps now because of how nice and open I always was/am with them and the teacher I work with at the high school said they’ve seen a fair amount of volunteers come through Palmarin and I am the one who has tried the hardest with the school and that I always have such a positive attitude. It was really nice to hear and made me feel like, even though I was only down here for a little over 7 months, I made a positive impact.

Well that catches you up on that whole jazz. As usual, this post is probably going to veer off into me thinking that I’m being philosophical because, as I've said a thousand times before, I have WAY too much time to think here. Lately I've been thinking very retrospectively, going over a lot of the past relationships I've had in my life. Do you ever think about that one relationship where the timing was always off or those friendships that were shattered beyond repair? The family ties that you didn't work on hard enough and eventually let fade away. I've also been thinking a lot about the grudges that people continue to foster when, in reality, they’re only hurting themselves. We only have one life, what if we pushed someone or some opportunity aside that would have been better for us all along? What if we let something fester inside us forever instead of moving on and ultimately letting ourselves feel at peace? I like to believe that everything happens for a reason but that philosophy can sometimes feel like a cop out when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to. I'm going to lighten the mood a little by inserting a beautiful picture of the sunrise this morning from my backyard. 

Now, back to it. Thinking like this is partly stemming from catching up with friends and family back home. I am constantly seeing friends who are getting into new relationships, starting families, going to grad school, getting great jobs and just moving forward in their lives. I hate that sometimes here I’m just willing time to pass quickly so that I can get to that point in my life. My parents always tell me that I don’t realize how fast time truly does go but I think that I do. It’s just that life can feel so stagnant here. What is the meaning of life anyway? Is it to find one, great, epic love? Is it to have a meaningful career? Is it to help those that were born less fortunate than you are? Is it to see the beauty of nature and explore the world? Is the meaning of life to be remembered for something, to be famous? I feel like the wisest answer to that question is that the meaning of life is to be happy and fulfilled. But, how do you achieve that contentment? A part of me is grateful that I have so much time on my hands to be able to reflect and think about what I want out of life. The problem with that, again, is that it’s too much time. I over-think everything and end up second guessing all of my major life’s decisions. I guess all that I can really hope for is to successfully complete this step of my life by setting a good example for the people of Senegal and for my friends and family back home. I’m also going to continue enjoying the simplicity and beauty of the environment that surrounds me here. As my parents have always said, all of that other stuff will work itself out the way it’s meant to.

Until next time then,

xx